I remember when I was really into nostalgia

For the last few nights, I haven't been able to sleep. There's nothing in particular that's keeping me awake, just something. Because I've been up until odd hours in the night (it's currently 2:53am), I've had a lot of time to think and more than anything, remember. Memories and feelings that I haven't thought of or felt in a while just come rushing through my head and heart.
Sigmund Freud asserted that within the human mind, there are things that come in (external events) and things we put in our mind by ourselves (internal events). Both of these events have the psychological need to be bound or compartmentalized in order for us to understand our world and more importantly, how we relate to the world and where we place ourselves in it.
Though Freud has been disproved for many years now, I feel like there's some truth to his theories. As I've sat here with my memories, I've realized that I need to place them, to decide what I want to do with them and to square them away with myself. I know I sound crazy, and it's likely that Freud would think I am, but I like to think of it more as a spring cleaning. I've known for a while that I've needed to clear my head, to sort it out, to talk to those who I need to talk to, and to let my thoughts align with where I'm at in my life.

And I feel good now. The memories, the feelings, they're all where I want them now- secured in the past.

And now, I think I feel sleepy. I think I shall go to bed :)


and for your viewing pleasure (and because I feel like I give credence when it's due), here's a clip from Demetri Martin- it's kinda long, but enjoy :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2eUPak76hY&feature=related

so. it's finals. i'm stressed. my trauma class/project=mostly done. everything=not so much. however, last night, my dearest hermanita jamie showed me this video. and i think it's hilarious. it's highly probable that you won't find this funny, or that you've seen this before and thought it was stupid. but i think it's hilarious :)

enjoy :)

for some reason, i couldn't get it to display the video so you're just gonna have to copy/paste.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VF9-sEbqDvU

Halo

So every once in a while, I think the Lord sends me little reminders of how blessed I am just when I'm starting to think that my life totally blows. Tonight was one of those nights. As a preface, you all should know that I'm sick, I haven't gone outside yet today (it's currently 8:42pm), I've been writing my trauma paper that's due tomorrow, I had a slight meltdown because my thesis wasn't working out, I have showered (be impressed... no seriously), I've had 3 cups of tea (thanks Hannah) and I haven't seen Casey today because his job loves him more than me.

That said, I had a tender reminder in the form of a phone call that my life really isn't that bad. My oldest brother called to congratulate me on the recent engagement (oh... in case any of you didn't know, surprise! I'm engaged!) and we talked for about a half hour just about life, how school is going, plans for after post-school, Mark Ryden, plans during Christmas, how his job is going, just random things. I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but it meant the world to me, so much that I hardly know how to express it.

Scott is talking to me and He loves me. He's happy. I'm happy. We are family. And most important, we love each other.
Finals can be stressful, papers can consume my soul and my hands can cramp up from the typing and writing, but Scott loves me. And he told me he loves me.

And that's enough happiness to last for a very very very long time :)

freaking wasatch

and finals

and papers

and exams

and feelings.

i just want to go home and snuggle with my mommy. is that too much to ask?

Along the Way

So it's been a little while since I've written and again, you can thank school for that. I keep telling myself I just have to make it until December 18th and then I'll be home for Christmas. Even though I'm stressed out of my mind and I'm not really sure how I'm going to do everything I need to, I'm happy. I've got a great fiance who makes me happy, takes losing at darts like a champ and listens to me tell him all about my paper for Meso (am I writing about maize? yes. is it boring as all get out? yes.). I have wonderful parents who love and care about me, who call me to make sure I'm surviving and who have a countdown going until I come home. I have a huge new family up here who treats me like a daughter, sister, granddaughter, and cousin. I have a place to hide from the snow and a warm bed and a heating pad for the times when I can't. I have money to buy things I need (mostly food and chocolatey milk) and to pay my rent. I heard from a really good friend who I haven't heard from in about 4 years. I have good roommates who make me smile, tell me they love me, and do silly things. I have a testimony of the Gospel, that it's true and that the Atonement is real.

and that's really all I need :)


ps- I also may or may not be back on my 'telephone' kick... and Wolfmother... I can't get enough...

For What It's Worth

I don't think it's news to anyone that I tend to obsess over new music or songs that just really capture all my attention. like really obsess. to the point where I get into the triple digits of listening to a song in about a 3-month span. I can't explain why I do this and I know it must drive my roommates, boyfriend and family insane, but I can't seem to help myself. I just have to keep listening. I have to know what else there is to hear in the song. and I have to hear everything. apparently multiple times (more like multiples of multiples).
So now I'm certain you're wondering what my latest obsession is. and rest assured, I'm going to tell you.


Song: Undisclosed Desires
Artist: Muse
Play Count (iPod+Lula):119

Background story: When I was in Spain this past summer (which I still haven't written about...oops...), I went to a Muse concert with a few kids in my grupo. and it completely blew my mind. Between the soccer stadium environment, the amazing sound system, the lights, the blimp, the huge balloons, the streamers, the beautiful instrument, the improved songs, and his sexy sexy voice (yeah, I said it.), I was in love with everything Muse, more than before, which is hard to imagine but it's 100% genuine truth.

So I come back to America and buy their latest album, 'The Resistance'. and that's where this song comes from. and I'm in love. I wish I knew how to describe it, what it's like when I listen to this song. Something like a blend of beauty, sensuality, and pure expression. I want to move with it and let it fill me through and through. It is by far the most bizarre and yet completely addicting feeling. The constant drums, the heavy pulsing beat, the impassioned voice, the beautiful lyrics, the subtle violins, the strong bass guitar, the sounds I can't identify. It screams at me in the most unreserved and demanding way. and I love it.

What does this say about me? I haven't the slightest idea nor do I want to delve in to it too much. Just know that I love this song, and I hope you do too. Actually, the whole album is all sorts of goodness; 'I Belong to You', 'United States of Eurasia' and 'Exogenesis Symphony: Part 3' are other favourites. but it really is all beautiful. so give it a listen when you have the chance :)



enjoy :)

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/playlist/The+resistance+Muse/34977730


and yes, my play count went up to 124 while I was writing this. thanks for asking.

and yes, I am supposed to be writing a paper for Southern Meso-American. fancy that...

A Day in the Life

I think I've developed this new habit where whenever I have a HUGE exam coming up (Whatup, Southern Meso-American Art History), I turn to blogging instead. probably not the best alternative. Meh, I'm over it.

So life. life is full of changes. and it's incredible how day can change to night and everything is completely different. School is still school, my Southern Meso-American art history class will be the death of me (but thanks to the rebirthing process, I'll come back, no worries.)

But here is some sunshine: General Conference is this weekend and I could not need it more than I do right now. It's not really like I've got burning questions that I need answers to right now; it's more like I need the comfort from the Lord via His prophet and apostles because there's changes coming in my life that I need as much divine help as I can get. and the amazing thing is that I know the Lord knows this and I know He is so incredibly mindful of what I need to hear and that if I'm listening with an open heart and contrite spirit, I will hear that which will get me through. and this Sunday, I get to go to the afternoon session with some friends from home and my sweet Casey; I'm excited :)



So I just have to make it through Friday. And then it's Conference time. Thank goodness :)

bring it Popol Vuh.

Feeling Lucky

I SHOULD be studying for me Humanities 242 test, which is in 3 hours. Should. but instead, I'm sitting in the Wilk, sharing a table with a charming older woman (coveting her baked potato and praying she doesn't open her huge bag of corn nuts), drinking chocolatey milk, and watching girls get their hair cut for Locks of Love on the stage in the terrace (welcome to BYU).

This week has been an interesting one, I've learned a lot, made a few mistakes and spent most of my time on my knees. I've fixed a few bridges and learned how to build new ones. I've fallen in love with a few of my classes (hello Humanities 420) and realized that school isn't always fun, even when you have the best major (whatup Humanities 242...). I've had the talks that have started things in good directions and I've realized that I can balance, I can do what I need to and that the Lord is with me every step of the way.

and this girl on the stage has beautiful, thick curly hair and she's about to chop it all off. I feel like I should stop her. Anyways, the point of all this is that life is still beautiful, I'm happy with how things are, I can see the direction I want things to go and I know that I can do it. I know there's little stumbling blocks along the way but they're nothing I can't jump over and land gracefully.

I also love the song 'Promise the Stars' by We The Kings. you should all listen to it. now. :)

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=promise%20the%20stars

Invincible

So. School is stressful. I spend my nights on the third floor of the JFSB or the first floor of the Library until they kick me out. I read about 700 pages a week. I write about 2.4 papers each week. But I’ve never been happier- life is good :)

Chin Up, Long. It'll Be Alright :)

I learned an important lesson this week and one of my best friends, who I love dearly and can’t thank enough, summed it up perfectly: “Sometimes you have to hurt people in order to give them what is ultimately the best thing”.

Sometimes it’s hard to see and to know that you did the right thing when it hurts someone you love so dearly so much. I still feel the sadness and pain, but ultimately, you just have to trust that you made the right decision. I wanted to be selfish and avoid this hurt with all my heart, but it’s not about me- it’s about someone else and what was best. I know they can’t see it now but that day will come; I promise.

Golden Moments

it's funny, I usually copy/paste my blogs because I tend to not capitalize my i's and because I'm lazy, I just let spell check do it for me. Tonight as I went to copy/paste something, I guess I forgot to actually copy it so I just pasted what ever the last thing I had copied was. This is what I pasted:

"Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually."

This came from a talk by Elder Donald L. Hallstrom from the past General Conference in April 2010 that I read yesterday and it was one of those moments where it was exactly what I needed to read. Even though it focused on not being offended by those who do you wrong, I realized it's applicable to life in general. I'm sure you guys have noticed that I sometimes freak out about life; I'm easily one who gets caught up in the now and I get flustered when things don't go how I feel they should or expect them to. Basically, I let the little earthly things get in the way of my spiritual happiness and that's something I want to be better at. I think a huge part of life is learning to endure and overcome, not in the negative sense where you just have to get through it, but also in a more positive sense that you grow, learn and become better because of it.

So, moral of the story: I want to be spiritually stronger so when life's challenges come my way, I can turn to the Lord and be able to endure all things. deal : )


ps- this is a link to the talk, in case you're interested: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1207-25,00.html

Cheer Up

I'm laying in my bed; I'm not in a good mood. I'm angry, upset, hurt, worried, sad, and not myself. Time to fix things.

What I'm grateful for:

- homemade cookies
- tomorrow is Sunday
- the repeat function on iTunes (still listening to 'Telephone'...)
- my family
- hymns
- surprise phone calls
- milk, both regular and chocolatey
- good news
- pizza
- people who love me
- Q-tips
- prayer and knowledge that the Lord hears me
- my bed, blankets and stuffed dog Fly
- peanut butter
- time
- the scriptures and moments where I appreciate the war chapters in Alma
- music that sounds how I feel
- my dogs, Slick and Sadie
- writing
- my hope chest at the foot of my bed
- the posters I just put up on my wall in my room
- art
- water
- Larkrise to Candleford (I want season 3!!!)
- my neighbours
- tomorrow is a new day :)

and now to bed. goodnight :)

aannnnnnnnnnnnddd back to square one. no good.

Give and Let Live, Love and Be Loved

I realized this past week how loved I am. I know that's kind of a conceited comment; let me explain. There's something beautifully happy when you walk in to a room and faces light up to see you, when you give some one a hug that you haven't seen in a while and you can feel how excited and happy they are because you're there. This may come as a shock to some of you but I've never been one to have a lot of confidence. For whatever reason, I doubt myself constantly and I think like most people, I'm my harshest critic. This past week, I felt how much people love me and it made me incredibly grateful for the amazing people that are in my life and how much more gratitude I need to express in my life. I guess you could say this is my personal declaration to be better at letting people know how much I love them and appreciate them. I know I get frustrated with people sometimes, but that's something I need to change because those people are just as deserving of love as I am, if not more so. So here's to love and loving and life. break.







and as a random note, I'm completely obsessed with 'Telephone' by Lady Gaga feat. Beyonce. Judge all you want but it's amazing.

No Subject (Come With Me)

You've all been here before. push play when ready.

step one: http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=cartel%20get%20away

step two:

Stop and turn,
Look away right now
You never will find a safer thing,
if you turn around

[Pre-Chorus]
If anybody wants to see you now,
they'll have to get through me
Cause everybody burns for something special,
somehow they might see and Oh.

[Chorus]
Get, Get, Get away from me.
You don't know what I'm capable of.
Just you wait and see.
And Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm ashamed.
Well I can do some terrible things
So now's your time to leave.

Twist and turn.
Please don't let me in it's not a lie.
We think that it's understood
If you should leave me now.

[Pre-Chorus]
If anybody wants to see you now,
they'll have to get through me
Cause everybody burns for something special,
somehow they might see and Oh.

[Chorus]
Get, Get, Get away from me.
You don't know what I'm capable of.
Just you wait and see.
And Baby, Baby, Baby, I'm ashamed.
Well I can do some terrible things

So now's your time to leave.
[repeat]

step three: sometime I feel like this song. Sometimes I feel like my mind is my worst enemy, accompanied by my heart, which feels whatever my mind (or others) puts in to it; it is my greatest strength and most vulnerable weakness. I over think everything, I worry about things that are out of my control, and I put thoughts in to my head that should definitely not remain there. And tonight, the result is this song. I'm scared I'm going to mess things up, that I'm not going to know, and that time somehow isn't on my side.

but.

step four: http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=mika%20love%20today

step five:

Doom da da di da di Doom da da di da di
Everybody's gonna love today,
Gonna love today, gonna love today.
Everybody's gonna love today, gonna love today.
Anyway you want to, anyway you've got to,
Love love me, love love me, love love.

I've been crying for so long,
Fighting tears just to carry on,
But now, but now, it's gone away.
Hey girl why can't you carry on,
Is it 'cause you're just like your mother,
A little tight, like to tease for fun,
Well you ain't gonna tease no other,
Gonna make you a lover.

Everybody's gonna love today,
love today, love today.
Everybody's gonna love today,
Anyway you want to, anyway you've got to,
Love love me, love love me, love love.
Girl in the blue with the big bust on,
Big bust on, big bust on.
Wait till your mother and your papa's gone,
Papa's gone
Momma, momma papa, shock shock me,
Shock shock me, shock shock.
Everybody's gonna love today,
Gonna love today, gonna love today
I said,
Everybody's gonna love today, gonna love today,
Anyway you want to, anyway you've got to,
Love love me, love love me, love love.

Carolina sits on ninety five
Give her a dollar and she'll make you smile.
Hook her, book her, nook her, walk away!
Girl dresses like a kid for fun,
Licks her lips like they're something other,
Tries to tell you life has just begun,
But you know she's getting something other
Than the love from her mother

Everybody's gonna love today,
Love today, love today
Everybody's gonna love today,
Anyway you want to, anyway you've got to,
Love love me, love love me, love love.
Girl in the blue with the big bust on,
Big bust on, big bust on.
Wait till your mother and your papa's gone,
Papa's gone
Momma, momma papa, shock shock me,
Shock shock me, shock shock.
[repeat]

Doom da da di da di Doom da da di da di Doom da da di da di Doom da da di da di.....

step six: this is the most played song on my ipod. I listen to it every day multiple times a day because without fail, it always makes me happy. and it reminds me of what is most important in my life. Yes, the subject matter is a little sketch (nobody go down the 95 for a while...), but the overall message is what I love most: love today. There is but one today. We have this life to love, not to spend freaking ourselves out for things that we can't control, things that we create or things that in the end, are small details to the grand stage that is life. And this life is full of love, in so many forms and in endless amount. And love brings more happiness and peace than I can describe. and I'm grateful :)

step seven: get some sleep :)

Here It Goes

I have decided to read the Twilight series. For those of you who know me, this is monumental. and I expect one of you to call the news papers asap. seriously. But in all honesty, I've wanted to read them for a while now, not because I'm dying to know how things end up with Bella and Edward or because I've been so impressed with the movies that I have to read the books, but because I want to be able to judge for myself. I'm going in with an open mind (well, as open as possible). and we'll see what happens.


Chapter One: First Sight...





ps- I'm back in America. and it's nice to be home :)
and because I know you're all losing sleep over this, I'm in the process of writing about my adventures and such, no worries, I'll post something before the summer is out.

Waiting, When I'm waiting (don't you know)

Sooo after some serious contemplation and a long history of lethargy, I've made the executive decision to wait until I'm home in July to update my blog. As it turns out, Spain is fantastically busy and time escapes me here like no other. So yes, I'm going to wait until I get back to the States in July and I'll expound upon my various adventures and happenings in this beautiful country. Right. Sorry for the delay. But I do believe it's well worth the wait.

and now, to go eat tapas in Madrid- I do love my life : )

So Beautiful

To my dear readers, whoever you may be:

I'm currently in Spain. and it's completely magical. I've been here for a little over a week and it's turning out to be nothing like I expected. and I have loved every moment of it. I know there's hundreds of things I should update on, but I think so far, the most important thing I've learned is this: life is beautiful : )

I'll write again soon :)

Cry Me A River

I don't usually make it a habit to discuss politics because they usually upset me. I also don't like complaining much. But both are in this post. Sorry lovers, I'll be better next time.

I saw a group on facebook today, which read as follows: "Dear God, This year you took my favourite actor, Patrick Swayzie. You took my favourite actress, Farah Fawcett. You took my favourite singer, Michael Jackson. I just wanted to let you know, my favourite President is Barack Obama. Amen."
When I first saw this, I confess I found it amusing. But on second thought, I just find it sad. So you don't like the president; I get it, but there's nothing that can be done until next election. He's the current guy in charge. Fighting him isn't really gonna do a whole lot. And wishing him death just strikes me as morally wrong. I'm not naive, I know there's sides to politics and that you're not going to agree with each and every policy. I don't agree with all of Obama's policies either. Here's the thing though: if we don't all work together, nothing is going to happen. Progression is a group effort. I don't want to be with people who aren't willing to work or compromise and instead, spend their time conjuring ways in which to kill the President. If we can't come together, it's going to cause more problems than fix.


So build that bridge and get over it lovers.

The City's Summer

Today has been an absolutely beautiful day. The sun is shining. There's a beautiful breeze that flies through the trees. Birds are singing. It's just simply beautiful. I love these kinds of days because they remind me that the earth really is beautiful, that it's a precious gift. Yes, I'm studying for finals and yes, they are stressful. But at least there's beauty all around me. I like to think it's God's way of reminding me that He knows what's going on, that He loves me and that He's helping me through whatever I've got going on this week.

Life is good : )

Here Comes the Sun

Tonight, my heart feels completely full and happy. I got a phone call from my mom tonight (who is doing much better) and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Everything is fine, but I might cry". The last time I heard this was when my grandpa was sick and that didn't end well so, I immediately started crying and panicking that something was wrong. But life is good, my friends, life is good.

My oldest brother hasn't really talked to my family for the past 5 years, but he called my mom tonight! and I'm just so happy and grateful and happy; I feel like crying but I feel like laughing with joy because my family is slowly but surely coming back together.

There's no way I can doubt the gospel; it is the true gospel of the Jesus Christ! He lives! He loves all of His children and is so incredibly mindful of each one of them! How beautiful is the Gospel of the Lord!

And now, to sleep and pray to pass finals :)

It's Just Another Manic Monday

My mom is in the ER. again. and it's getting harder and harder not to freak out about it. I don't like talking about this much because it makes me sad, but the general story is this: my mom has discs in her back that have deteriorated and cause severe pain in her back and neck. For the last month, she has had a constant headache the goes from the base of her neck to just behind her eye. She's had tests done, CT Scans, an MRI, and more medicine than I knew was legal to prescribe (who knew Valium came in pill-form?).
I had a feeling something was wrong when I called today and she didn't answer. I called later to mourn with my deeply devoted Butler-fan mother (good game gents) and my dad called back a few minutes later, which just isn't a good sign. She's now been admitted in to the ER and tonight's performance consists of test after test until they figure out what's causing this pain and what's wrong.
It's a sad and strange feeling when someone you love so deeply is suffering so much so far away from you and there's very little you can do about it. My mom is an incredibly strong woman and I know she will overcome this, I'm not worried about that too much. But I don't like knowing she's suffering, I don't like that I'm not there with her, and I don't like that my super hero is fading. I admire my mom beyond words- she means the world to me and has been the best example to me of more than motherhood. She is my best friend, she is my most forgiving friend and she is the example of who I want to be most like in this life because she has a Christ-like glow about her and because she is everything beautiful.

I know that everything is in the Lord's incredibly mindful and capable hands. I know that this too shall pass. It just takes time and there's plenty of that to go around.

Enchantment Passing Through

For my Humanities 350 class, we're doing a theoretical approach to Hans Christian Andersen's tale, 'The Nightingale' and I've been studying this poem by John Keats for the project. I think it's quite beautiful so I thought I would share. enjoy :)

Ode to a Nightingale

My heart aches, and a drowsy numbness pains

My sense, as though of hemlock I had drunk,

Or emptied some dull opiate to the drains

One minute past, and Lethe-wards had sunk:

'Tis not through envy of thy happy lot,

But being too happy in thine happiness,

That thou, light-wingèd Dryad of the trees,

In some melodious plot

Of beechen green, and shadows numberless,

Singest of summer in full-throated ease.

O for a draught of vintage! that hath been

Cool'd a long age in the deep-delvèd earth,

Tasting of Flora and the country-green,

Dance, and Provençal song, and sunburnt mirth!

O for a beaker full of the warm South!

Full of the true, the blushful Hippocrene,

With beaded bubbles winking at the brim,

And purple-stainèd mouth;

That I might drink, and leave the world unseen,

And with thee fade away into the forest dim:

Fade far away, dissolve, and quite forget

What thou among the leaves hast never known,

The weariness, the fever, and the fret

Here, where men sit and hear each other groan;

Where palsy shakes a few, sad, last grey hairs,

Where youth grows pale, and spectre-thin, and dies;

Where but to think is to be full of sorrow

And leaden-eyed despairs;

Where beauty cannot keep her lustrous eyes,

Or new Love pine at them beyond to-morrow.

Away! away! for I will fly to thee,

Not charioted by Bacchus and his pards,

But on the viewless wings of Poesy,

Though the dull brain perplexes and retards:

Already with thee! tender is the night,

And haply the Queen-Moon is on her throne,

Cluster'd around by all her starry Fays

But here there is no light,

Save what from heaven is with the breezes blown

Through verdurous glooms and winding mossy ways.

I cannot see what flowers are at my feet,

Nor what soft incense hangs upon the boughs,

But, in embalmèd darkness, guess each sweet

Wherewith the seasonable month endows

The grass, the thicket, and the fruit-tree wild;

White hawthorn, and the pastoral eglantine;

Fast-fading violets cover'd up in leaves;

And mid-May's eldest child,

The coming musk-rose, full of dewy wine,

The murmurous haunt of flies on summer eves.

Darkling I listen; and, for many a time

I have been half in love with easeful Death,

Call'd him soft names in many a musèd rhyme,

To take into the air my quiet breath;

Now more than ever seems it rich to die,

To cease upon the midnight with no pain,

While thou art pouring forth thy soul abroad

In such an ecstasy!

Still wouldst thou sing, and I have ears in vain—

To thy high requiem become a sod.

Thou wast not born for death, immortal Bird!

No hungry generations tread thee down;

The voice I hear this passing night was heard

In ancient days by emperor and clown:

Perhaps the self-same song that found a path

Through the sad heart of Ruth, when, sick for home,

She stood in tears amid the alien corn;

The same that ofttimes hath

Charm'd magic casements, opening on the foam

Of perilous seas, in faery lands forlorn.

Forlorn! the very word is like a bell

To toll me back from thee to my sole self!

Adieu! the fancy cannot cheat so well

As she is famed to do, deceiving elf.

Adieu! adieu! thy plaintive anthem fades

Past the near meadows, over the still stream,

Up the hill-side; and now 'tis buried deep

In the next valley-glades:

Was it a vision, or a waking dream?

Fled is that music:—do I wake or sleep?

As a side note, I found these today (4/2) and found them also quite beautiful. This is what is found on Keats' tomb, located in Rome:

This Grave
contains all that was Mortal,
of a
Young English Poet,
Who,
on his Death Bed, in the Bitterness of his Heart,
at the Malicious Power of his Enemies,
Desired
these Words to be engraven on his Tomb Stone:
Here lies One
Whose Name was writ in Water.

I do believe I'm a Romantic.

People Need Hope, People Need Lovin'

I should be studying for my Doctrine and Covenants test. I'm clearly procrastinating. You think I would learn by now. But alas. So instead, I'm giving myself 15 minutes to write and sing ABBA gems while I do so. Because that's how I roll.

This past weekend (March 27th), I went to the Krishna Lotus Temple out in Spanish Fork for the Hare Krishna Festival of Colours. For those unfamiliar with the event, it is the celebration of the early life of Krishna and his divine power. When he was 5, an evil witch (BABY KILLER. see facebook album tags), who was supposedly invincible to the flames and had killed hundreds of babies by walking through fire, took Krishna through the fire but because of his divinity and faith, he was spared and she was killed. The Festival of Colours commemorates this event as well as the welcoming of Spring. The festival begins with the burning of the effigy, which has a figure of the Witch on it, and while the effigy is burning, people throw colours at one another to represent Spring and also to hide differences so that all are equal and all are united.

This was my second year attending the festival and it was bliss. I am not a pagan worshipper and I am devoted in my faith, do not misunderstand me. It was just beautiful to have so many people there (over 15,000 throughout the day) who were all beautifully coloured and laughing and smiling and dancing and singing and enjoying the beautiful spring day. I was deeply impressed by the whole event, to say the least, and gained a strong respect and appreciation for the Hindu religion and their beliefs. Though I didn't agree with everything that was preached, I did love good attitude that there is a common thread that unites us a humans; we all live, we all breathe, we all want the best and we all love. And that's an incredibly beautiful thing.

I know a lot of people disagree with members of other faiths going to this festival. One of my roommates was having a horrible time with some of the boys she works with who were calling it a pagan festival and chastising her for worshiping another god. But here's the thing: if we all lived that way, you can say goodbye to converts to the Church and goodbye to world peace. There's something great in being able to participate in another religions cultural and religious celebrations. I will forever hold dear a mass that I went to while in Paris because it was one of the most beautiful organ worships that I have ever been a part of. And I will forever cherish the opportunity I have had to welcome Spring and celebrate life at the Krishna Lotus Temple because it was a beautiful appreciation for life and love and a call for peace. I think the Hindus know just as well as I do that I'm not going to convert to Hinduism any time soon, but I don't think they would love me any less- I was there to learn about their culture and religion and to celebrate with them something that we both desire- love, peace, happiness and unity.

And I don't see anything wrong with that :)

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Hare Hare Krishna Krishna
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Hare Hare Rama Rama

Fast Times at Barrington High

Today is the 25th. In exactly 91 days, 12 hours and 32 minutes, some of my best friends from my freshman year will be back from their 2 year missions (or native lands).

and it's about time :)

That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)

The past 2 days have been pretty. odd. It started with coming home from a weekend trip from Idaho, which was eventful enough in itself, and finding a letter from the attorney on my bed. I'm not in any kind of legal troubles, rest assured; this was simply a statement of my grandparent's trust and as it includes me, I'm legally entitled to know. It was a surreal feeling, reading through the legal jargon and realizing that my grandparents really have passed away and here I sit, reading about it and acknowledging the fact. My grandparents really have passed on and it's going to be a little while until I see them again. It's not like this is new information, I suppose it's more like it's finally setting in. And I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.

Today was also out of the ordinary. I've been playing phone tag with my parents a lot lately; they're so busy with everything and school keeps me fairly entertained so sometimes, it's hard to keep in touch. But there's also a hidden element to this game and it's been hard to overcome. I have this wretched habit of not being completely honest with my parents- it's not often that I blatantly lie to them, it's more like I keep things from them. I hesitate to tell them things because I know they won't approve or won't understand and I don't want them to worry.
I would like to think that I've learned and that this no longer is an issue, but that's not the case. I've spent a lot of my life building a good relationship with my parents, trusting them completely and having an equal trust from them, being open with them about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, what have you. But there's been a few subjects that my parents and I just can't seem to see eye to eye on and one of them has been particularly hard and the source of a lot of 'not complete truths', heartaches, sadness, tears and damage. I don't give strict descriptors so I shall leave it at that. Because of this, the relationship I've had with my parents is changing and it seems like I have to choose sides because a balance isn't in sight. I know a lot of the blame rests on me because I haven't been honest about this aspect of my life and I continue not to be. If I want things to be how they were, I need to be better. That's all there is to it.

The point is this: I feel like things aren't the same anymore, I see change all around me and it scares me. I want to do what is right, but I don't always know what that is. I want to make my parents happy, but I know I fall short sometimes. I want to have that trust and freedom to say and do what I feel is good, but I'm afraid I've lost it. Life is moving faster than I'm ready for and I find myself uncertain as to who or what I need to brace myself against in order to survive.
I'm not by any means depressed- life is still about happiness and love. It just seems that in order to get to those goals, there has to be some rough seas beforehand. And I'm currently swimming through them.

Just Let Go

Nobody knows, but I'm silently freaking out inside so I figure I best get this out before it exposes itself in reality. Through a series of events, I realized I'm growing up. And for a long time, I was really excited about this because it meant I was checking off a huge part of my life (hello BYU) and moving on to the next item on my list. Then I realized: I'm moving on, I'm making decisions at this very moment that affects everything from here on out. And it scared me, which is why I'm writing.

A large part of this was sparked by a letter I got today from someone who I hadn't heard from in a while. Details are unnecessary but this letter was from someone that I care about a lot who is coming back into my life. That's not to say that they left because we've kept in really good contact, but they will be physically back in my life; I have no idea what is going to happen and I'm terrified. There is something quite thrilling in the Unknown and for the most part, I'm anxious and excited for life. But there's a small part of me that is scared, of this Unknown in particular because I have this feeling that it will define the rest of my life.
There's things I know I want but am afraid to ask for, things I'm afraid I'm undeserving of, things that won't happen because of choices I've made or haven't made, things that aren't in my control and I have to be prepared for whatever happens. This is one of those things, all of those things and none of them. I wish I knew how to describe this. I feel like I have no control, but that I don't want control, but that being without control is risking everything. I feel like it's complete madness to ask for things because there's only so much that I should ask for without taking what isn't mine.

Is this making any sense? I suppose not, but that brings me to Letter #2 that I got today from a dear friend of mine, which couldn't have come at a better time. "I know everything is going to work out as it should. I'm gaining such a strong testimony that the Lord has a plan for each of us. As long as we keep trying and put our desires and trust in the Lord, all will work out."

Right. So that's the goal. Just let go of myself and put everything in the Lord's hand because I am clearly not capable of handling it all myself. Right. And now to get ready for fhe.

I feel it all

I realized something about myself tonight- I really do want world peace. One of my dearest friends called me tonight very distraught and heartbroken and while talking to her, all I wanted was for things to be right, for her to be happy and for life to be beautiful in her eyes again. As I listened to her crying, my heart just ached because as much as I could tell her that I loved her and that everything would work itself out because this life really is about happiness, I knew that it wasn't enough and there was nothing more I could do.

It was one of those humbling moments where I had a small glimpse of what it must be like to be Heavenly Father and the Saviour; they love each person with a pure and infinite love, how hard it must be to watch those they love so dearly struggle, feel heartache, be stressed, or anything to that affect. I am by no means a good comparison to the Saviour, I falter daily, but I do believe that I felt some of His love tonight and some of His heartache. And I think I understood a little more of the Atonement- Christ loves each of us so much that He took those pains and sorrows that we feel in this life upon Himself so that we would not have to feel them in the next, provided that we do our best to be like Him.

I don't know a lot about life; I don't know how things are going to turn out or when, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how, but there is something I do know that becomes clearer to me more and more: this life is happiness, it is beautiful and though it's easy to be caught up in the sad things, there are more wonderful things to love.

Fly away to what you want to make, there's nothing stopping you :)

I found myself in Wonderland

It's been a little while, I believe I took a slight break for health. Yes, that's a satisfactory reason. Moving on.

Last night, I saw Alice in Wonderland. And it was beautiful. I have a deep love for Tim Burton; he has always been one of my favourite directors because I think he has a unique eye for life and its meaning. I went into Alice with high expectations and I was not deceived in the slightest. The acting was fantastic (I do love Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter), the cinematography was amazing, and the story of Alice and the Looking Glass has always been dear to my heart.

There are a lot of reasons that I enjoyed this story but I think what I like most is that I know Alice, I know how she felt, I know what she was escaping from and learning to live for. The story of Alice and the Looking Glass deals a lot with finding self, finding what it means to be self, and living for life. Alice's first encounter in Wonderland is rather accosting as everyone believes that she is not really herself and is the Wrong Alice. The rest of the story is Alice finding Alice, confronting with the pressures that are put on her, and making choices for Alice.

Part of me couldn't help but feel like Alice. Sometimes it seems that there are things in life that make me define who I am, force me to reconcile with the pressures in life and deal with them. The Mad Hatter refers to this as finding one's 'muchness' and I think there's a great deal of truth to that. I sometimes get lost in life, losing pieces of who I am and giving in to what others want of me. I lose my 'muchness' and have to find it again or else, I won't be able to slay the Jabberwocky when it comes.
Something else I was impressed with was the importance of friendship. Alice would not have been Alice without those around her who helped her and never left her, despite the price that came with it. The relationship between Alice and the Mad Hatter was incredibly kind- he cared so much for Alice and was willing to sacrifice everything so that she could succeed. There was genuine love and selflessness. I want to be that friend more in my life and I want to thank those who are that source in my life. I am blessed with wonderful people around me who love me and would do anything so that I can be Kristin.

I don't know how many people read these posts, but I would really recommend seeing this film. Yes, it's a bit quirky and yes, I realize that Tim Burton is not for everyone, but there's more to be had than odd costume and bizarre landscapes. There's life, love and goodness. And I hope you're looking for those things in life too.



And as a completely mostly non-related side note, I'm absolutely obsessed with a song from the movie by Avril Lavigne, which plays during the credits. I've listened to it over 70 times (I'm leaving out the exact number) and it is simply beautiful. Here's a link (second song, though the first one is a classic gem)-

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=alice%20avril%20lavigne

Cause everything is never as it seems

It's a Saturday night. I'm home alone watching 'This Is It' (which is turning out to be nothing like I expected but still enjoyable). I've just painted my toes. I chose for this night to be this way. And I'm glad I did because I'm happy being me. And more importantly, I'm grateful to be me.

We've all heard that when it rains, it pours. As I live life more, I think there's some truth to that, this week as a wretchedly perfect example. But rainy weeks have taught me something more- there's always rays of sunshine that peer through the clouds to let you know that eventually, the sun will shine. I know that's a cheesy metaphor, but it's true and I'm incredibly grateful. Instead of tallying up all the bad things of this week, I want to share the good things because they make life worth living and let me know that life is beautiful.

So here's a list of what makes life great:

- Missionary work and Jane Holbein.
- love
- The temple, which has the power to make sure my family will always be together, even if death separates us for a little while.
- apples
- my cell phone because I can call home or those who love me dearly
- Canadians :)
- my parents because they're incredible examples of everything I want to develop in myself
- Yozone
- the Opening Ceremony for the Olympics
- the beauty of other cultures
- chocolatey milk
- friends who care about me, listen to me and help me when I can't help myself
- jewelry
- dancing
- warmer weather and the guest appearance of the sun
- blankets ;)
- the ability I have to run, to exercise and to be active
- music/my ipod
- the scriptures and the peace they bring
- lula/skype/msn
- a place to live, even if it falls apart more often than it stays together
- sleeping in
- happy stories that my mom tells me because she knows I'm having a rough week
- reading and books
- things that smell good
- prayer and answers
- wendy's, the bacon deluxe burger and frostys
- febreze
- Harry Potter
- a forgiving heart and peace of mind
- disney movies

If you're reading this, feel free to share things that make your life great; I would love to hear them. And now, to watch 'Newsies' :)

something mildly amusing

Today, while driving to the San Diego Airport (holla), I saw this as a bumper sticker on a van. I thought it was humourous; my mom didn't.That's all. Just wanted to share :)

So This is the New Year

I'm usually quite dedicated to New Year's Resolutions, though I have no idea why. For the past 10ish years of my life, I have written down a list of resolutions the night of New Year's Eve (parties in Ivana's clubhouse on New Year's Eve? bahahaha) and kept them posted somewhere in my room where I can see them on a daily basis. But for whatever reason, I was a bit of a slacker this year and kept telling myself that I would get around to it when I got around to it.
And then the month of January happened. As beautiful and happy as January was, there were a few pitfalls and trying moments. But that's okay because that's how life is sometimes.
So here I sit (actually, honesty time: I'm laying down) with resolutions in mind that I'm going to write down and do my best to adhere to. I think there's something rewarding in resolutions because they're completely up to you and whatever you feel like becoming in this next year. I'm ambitious, I want to change and fingers crossed, these resolutions will help me do so. So, in no particular order, here are my resolutions:

- be more patient
- have more meaningful prayer and scripture study
- play the piano more often because I miss it. a lot.
- eat better and keep up with Jillian (level 3?)
- be on top of my studies and give it everything I've got (yes, that means you, Spanish)
- be more understanding of others and their situations
- paint/sketch more :)
- look past myself and give whatever I can to those who need it more
- read the newspaper and keep up with world events (Yahoo! news just doesn't cut it these days)
- spend more time with my dogs
- have a better relationship with the Lord and seek more earnestly to do His will
- establish more regular sleeping patterns aka SLEEP
- look for gratitude in everything so I don't miss out on life
- tell my family that I love them
- learn to sew


There's no distance to hold me back- let the new year begin :)

Listen to the Music

Alright lovers, we're going to play a listening game. If you've read this far, participation is mandatory.

Step 1: Copy and paste the following link into a separate tab and pick one of the songs listed (they're all the same song so it doesn't matter too much, with the exception of the awkward song entitled 'jealousy rides with me') - http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=soul%20meets%20body

Step 2: give thanks for Grooveshark.

Step 3: let it load completely.

Step 4: while listening, read the lyrics below (courtesy of AZlyrics.com).


I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me

And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing

And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there’s a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they’re far more suited than here

And I cannot guess what we'll discover
When we turn the dirt with our palms cupped like shovels
But I know our filthy hands can wash one another’s
And not one speck will remain

Chorus:
And I do believe it’s true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
But if the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you’re the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body (x2)

Chorus.

There's a lot of songs that go straight to my heart. And the other day, I discovered that this was one of them. I've listened to this song countless times, but for whatever reason, as I was sitting on my bed, struggling through writing a summary about Soussure (structuralism. yikes.), I started listening to this song and I felt myself falling in love with the lyrics, with the power of the instruments, with his voice, with everything. My heart was listening and hanging on every word; I listened to it about 5 more times and finally, I was able to go to the next song.

I wish I could better describe what I felt when I really listened to this. Maybe it's because it's so beautifully relevant to everything that my heart is feeling right now that I fell in love. My heart feels the sun all the time and there's nothing I love more, it feels a newness that's been missing for so long, a newness that cleanses and brings me pure happiness. My thoughts run wild with wonderful dreams- I only hope they find a more suited place and turn into the most fantastic reality. People can change the world by healing each other, by washing one another, by forgiving, by forgetting; I see so much potential in this world, I can't believe otherwise. I know that there are roads left in my shoes- I have so much that I want to do with my life and I have the talent, the energy, the support, the strength and the love to do it, nothing is going to stop me. And there is just one song I want to hear, for ever and always and I know that someday, I will and it will be a melody meant just for me softly soaring through my atmosphere.

End of game :)

Confetti rainfall in a quiet street: The beauty is in what you make it

It's 12:45. I'm supposed to be sleeping, but my mind is running instead so thus, I write. Have you ever had moments where there's nothing you want more than to just see into the future a bit? maybe 5 years? 2 years? 1 year? 6 months? just to know what lies ahead? I'm in one of those moments right now. I want to see where my life is going, how everything turns out and most importantly, when it all happens. I can make it through the now if I could just see the eventually.

Earlier this evening, I had a conversation that changed my life. I doubt this person knew it at the time (although I assure you they know now), but it was one of those moments where I saw something that I had never seen before, a glimpse of something that could be part of my future, something that I would eagerly work towards just to have, even if for a small moment. And now, I can't get it out of my mind (hello 1:15 am) and what's more, I don't want to. I'm content with dreaming my dreams, with thinking of what could be, because it makes me happier than I've been in a long time. As I was talking with this person, I felt myself live for the future, live for what I don't know yet, but will know when the time comes and live because I knew I couldn't let chance pass me by.I'm usually a fairly passive person and yet, my heart would not have passivity. I know that I can't throw in the towel on this one. My heart, my dreams refuse to admit defeat. There's too much at stake, too much that I want out of life and I'm willing to give up most whatever it takes for this chance, where I know I would find happiness.This same friend said something I found quite profound: day by day, our dreams will happen before our eyes. And as far as I'm concerned, he's perfectly right. There's nothing keeping me from living my dreams, absolutely nothing. Life is in my hands; it is whatever I make it. Yes, money is a beast, location gets in the way, people sometimes frustrate, and reality has a bitter taste. But those are just obstacles that I know I can overcome. I have lived my life solving it; now I want to live my life loving it, taking everything that comes and living out my dreams.

I still can't see into the future, that unfortunately hasn't changed. But this doesn't leave me helpless. I have no idea where I will be, but with these dreams, I have a fairly good idea of what I want to work for, where I want to orient my life, and above all, the happiness that I know is within my reach. And now, goodnight :)

My Act of Remembrance

Today, January 16, 2010, my grandpa passed away. It was expected as his health had been failing over the course of a few months. And yet, when I got the phone call this morning, I cried. The tears didn’t last long, but they still hurt and my heart knows that this is for the best, but it still cries. I love my grandpa. He was a wonderful and dedicated man, to his family, his country and to the gospel.

Growing up, I would spend many a weekend at my grandparents house and when we went to Grandma and Grandpa’s, it meant several things: staying up later, eating sugared cereal (which was strictly forbidden at home) and for me, going out to the base to ride horses because Grandpa knew long before I did that there would never be a pony waiting for me under the Christmas tree. I have so many wonderful memories of going up there- of going over to the Diggnin’s house to marvel at their fat cat Max; playing the Mother Goose game on the computer; watching the fish in the fish tank for hours because there were so many; listening to old time country music with Grandpa wherever we went; going out to Denny’s, Home Town Buffet, Spunky Steers or that one Mexican restaurant, all of which knew my grandpa by name; opening any door of the house to find a fully-loaded riffle in the crack; watching Grandpa take care of the fruit trees; playing down in the bamboo by the creek. This was a large part of my childhood.

I learned a lot from my Grandpa. He was a selfless man, always helping Grandma wherever they went with whatever she needed, even if he uttered a few swear words in the process. He loved little children and little children loved him, a Christ-like attribute that my grandpa easily possessed. Whenever we went somewhere, the question, ‘where’s Grandpa?’ would inevitably come up and when we would look behind to see if we could spot him, he was almost always talking with a little child who had caught his attention. They loved him and he loved them.

My Grandpa was the first to call me Kris, a nickname that has stuck; some people only know me by Kris. He also called me Grand-dolly, with that southern twang of his, and it was rare that my full name was ever used. Grandpa always had his camera wherever we went. And of course, we all dreaded it. Any family gathering, any restaurant we ate at, any thing- there was Grandpa and his camera, taking candid or more often times forced pictures. I love those pictures now. I’m grateful for his dedication to the camera- without that, I wouldn’t have some of my favourite pictures of my childhood. Grandpa also had a lot of random sayings that most of the time, I never understood. "Even blind hog finds an acorn every now and then" was one of his favourites. He was full of so many things to say and listening to Grandpa was always a treat, even if it was usually over my head.

I love my Grandpa dearly. He was my only grandpa and I was blessed to know him, to love him, to be loved by him and to know that this isn’t the end- I will see Grandpa again, I will hug him and kiss his cheek and he will call me Kris or Grand-dolly again. I know he is happy, I know he is whole and I know that he is waiting for me. I love my Grandpa.