Just Let Go

Nobody knows, but I'm silently freaking out inside so I figure I best get this out before it exposes itself in reality. Through a series of events, I realized I'm growing up. And for a long time, I was really excited about this because it meant I was checking off a huge part of my life (hello BYU) and moving on to the next item on my list. Then I realized: I'm moving on, I'm making decisions at this very moment that affects everything from here on out. And it scared me, which is why I'm writing.

A large part of this was sparked by a letter I got today from someone who I hadn't heard from in a while. Details are unnecessary but this letter was from someone that I care about a lot who is coming back into my life. That's not to say that they left because we've kept in really good contact, but they will be physically back in my life; I have no idea what is going to happen and I'm terrified. There is something quite thrilling in the Unknown and for the most part, I'm anxious and excited for life. But there's a small part of me that is scared, of this Unknown in particular because I have this feeling that it will define the rest of my life.
There's things I know I want but am afraid to ask for, things I'm afraid I'm undeserving of, things that won't happen because of choices I've made or haven't made, things that aren't in my control and I have to be prepared for whatever happens. This is one of those things, all of those things and none of them. I wish I knew how to describe this. I feel like I have no control, but that I don't want control, but that being without control is risking everything. I feel like it's complete madness to ask for things because there's only so much that I should ask for without taking what isn't mine.

Is this making any sense? I suppose not, but that brings me to Letter #2 that I got today from a dear friend of mine, which couldn't have come at a better time. "I know everything is going to work out as it should. I'm gaining such a strong testimony that the Lord has a plan for each of us. As long as we keep trying and put our desires and trust in the Lord, all will work out."

Right. So that's the goal. Just let go of myself and put everything in the Lord's hand because I am clearly not capable of handling it all myself. Right. And now to get ready for fhe.