That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)

The past 2 days have been pretty. odd. It started with coming home from a weekend trip from Idaho, which was eventful enough in itself, and finding a letter from the attorney on my bed. I'm not in any kind of legal troubles, rest assured; this was simply a statement of my grandparent's trust and as it includes me, I'm legally entitled to know. It was a surreal feeling, reading through the legal jargon and realizing that my grandparents really have passed away and here I sit, reading about it and acknowledging the fact. My grandparents really have passed on and it's going to be a little while until I see them again. It's not like this is new information, I suppose it's more like it's finally setting in. And I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.

Today was also out of the ordinary. I've been playing phone tag with my parents a lot lately; they're so busy with everything and school keeps me fairly entertained so sometimes, it's hard to keep in touch. But there's also a hidden element to this game and it's been hard to overcome. I have this wretched habit of not being completely honest with my parents- it's not often that I blatantly lie to them, it's more like I keep things from them. I hesitate to tell them things because I know they won't approve or won't understand and I don't want them to worry.
I would like to think that I've learned and that this no longer is an issue, but that's not the case. I've spent a lot of my life building a good relationship with my parents, trusting them completely and having an equal trust from them, being open with them about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, what have you. But there's been a few subjects that my parents and I just can't seem to see eye to eye on and one of them has been particularly hard and the source of a lot of 'not complete truths', heartaches, sadness, tears and damage. I don't give strict descriptors so I shall leave it at that. Because of this, the relationship I've had with my parents is changing and it seems like I have to choose sides because a balance isn't in sight. I know a lot of the blame rests on me because I haven't been honest about this aspect of my life and I continue not to be. If I want things to be how they were, I need to be better. That's all there is to it.

The point is this: I feel like things aren't the same anymore, I see change all around me and it scares me. I want to do what is right, but I don't always know what that is. I want to make my parents happy, but I know I fall short sometimes. I want to have that trust and freedom to say and do what I feel is good, but I'm afraid I've lost it. Life is moving faster than I'm ready for and I find myself uncertain as to who or what I need to brace myself against in order to survive.
I'm not by any means depressed- life is still about happiness and love. It just seems that in order to get to those goals, there has to be some rough seas beforehand. And I'm currently swimming through them.