People Need Hope, People Need Lovin'

I should be studying for my Doctrine and Covenants test. I'm clearly procrastinating. You think I would learn by now. But alas. So instead, I'm giving myself 15 minutes to write and sing ABBA gems while I do so. Because that's how I roll.

This past weekend (March 27th), I went to the Krishna Lotus Temple out in Spanish Fork for the Hare Krishna Festival of Colours. For those unfamiliar with the event, it is the celebration of the early life of Krishna and his divine power. When he was 5, an evil witch (BABY KILLER. see facebook album tags), who was supposedly invincible to the flames and had killed hundreds of babies by walking through fire, took Krishna through the fire but because of his divinity and faith, he was spared and she was killed. The Festival of Colours commemorates this event as well as the welcoming of Spring. The festival begins with the burning of the effigy, which has a figure of the Witch on it, and while the effigy is burning, people throw colours at one another to represent Spring and also to hide differences so that all are equal and all are united.

This was my second year attending the festival and it was bliss. I am not a pagan worshipper and I am devoted in my faith, do not misunderstand me. It was just beautiful to have so many people there (over 15,000 throughout the day) who were all beautifully coloured and laughing and smiling and dancing and singing and enjoying the beautiful spring day. I was deeply impressed by the whole event, to say the least, and gained a strong respect and appreciation for the Hindu religion and their beliefs. Though I didn't agree with everything that was preached, I did love good attitude that there is a common thread that unites us a humans; we all live, we all breathe, we all want the best and we all love. And that's an incredibly beautiful thing.

I know a lot of people disagree with members of other faiths going to this festival. One of my roommates was having a horrible time with some of the boys she works with who were calling it a pagan festival and chastising her for worshiping another god. But here's the thing: if we all lived that way, you can say goodbye to converts to the Church and goodbye to world peace. There's something great in being able to participate in another religions cultural and religious celebrations. I will forever hold dear a mass that I went to while in Paris because it was one of the most beautiful organ worships that I have ever been a part of. And I will forever cherish the opportunity I have had to welcome Spring and celebrate life at the Krishna Lotus Temple because it was a beautiful appreciation for life and love and a call for peace. I think the Hindus know just as well as I do that I'm not going to convert to Hinduism any time soon, but I don't think they would love me any less- I was there to learn about their culture and religion and to celebrate with them something that we both desire- love, peace, happiness and unity.

And I don't see anything wrong with that :)

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Hare Hare Krishna Krishna
Hare Rama Hare Rama
Hare Hare Rama Rama

Fast Times at Barrington High

Today is the 25th. In exactly 91 days, 12 hours and 32 minutes, some of my best friends from my freshman year will be back from their 2 year missions (or native lands).

and it's about time :)

That Green Gentleman (Things Have Changed)

The past 2 days have been pretty. odd. It started with coming home from a weekend trip from Idaho, which was eventful enough in itself, and finding a letter from the attorney on my bed. I'm not in any kind of legal troubles, rest assured; this was simply a statement of my grandparent's trust and as it includes me, I'm legally entitled to know. It was a surreal feeling, reading through the legal jargon and realizing that my grandparents really have passed away and here I sit, reading about it and acknowledging the fact. My grandparents really have passed on and it's going to be a little while until I see them again. It's not like this is new information, I suppose it's more like it's finally setting in. And I haven't decided how I feel about it yet.

Today was also out of the ordinary. I've been playing phone tag with my parents a lot lately; they're so busy with everything and school keeps me fairly entertained so sometimes, it's hard to keep in touch. But there's also a hidden element to this game and it's been hard to overcome. I have this wretched habit of not being completely honest with my parents- it's not often that I blatantly lie to them, it's more like I keep things from them. I hesitate to tell them things because I know they won't approve or won't understand and I don't want them to worry.
I would like to think that I've learned and that this no longer is an issue, but that's not the case. I've spent a lot of my life building a good relationship with my parents, trusting them completely and having an equal trust from them, being open with them about how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking, what have you. But there's been a few subjects that my parents and I just can't seem to see eye to eye on and one of them has been particularly hard and the source of a lot of 'not complete truths', heartaches, sadness, tears and damage. I don't give strict descriptors so I shall leave it at that. Because of this, the relationship I've had with my parents is changing and it seems like I have to choose sides because a balance isn't in sight. I know a lot of the blame rests on me because I haven't been honest about this aspect of my life and I continue not to be. If I want things to be how they were, I need to be better. That's all there is to it.

The point is this: I feel like things aren't the same anymore, I see change all around me and it scares me. I want to do what is right, but I don't always know what that is. I want to make my parents happy, but I know I fall short sometimes. I want to have that trust and freedom to say and do what I feel is good, but I'm afraid I've lost it. Life is moving faster than I'm ready for and I find myself uncertain as to who or what I need to brace myself against in order to survive.
I'm not by any means depressed- life is still about happiness and love. It just seems that in order to get to those goals, there has to be some rough seas beforehand. And I'm currently swimming through them.

Just Let Go

Nobody knows, but I'm silently freaking out inside so I figure I best get this out before it exposes itself in reality. Through a series of events, I realized I'm growing up. And for a long time, I was really excited about this because it meant I was checking off a huge part of my life (hello BYU) and moving on to the next item on my list. Then I realized: I'm moving on, I'm making decisions at this very moment that affects everything from here on out. And it scared me, which is why I'm writing.

A large part of this was sparked by a letter I got today from someone who I hadn't heard from in a while. Details are unnecessary but this letter was from someone that I care about a lot who is coming back into my life. That's not to say that they left because we've kept in really good contact, but they will be physically back in my life; I have no idea what is going to happen and I'm terrified. There is something quite thrilling in the Unknown and for the most part, I'm anxious and excited for life. But there's a small part of me that is scared, of this Unknown in particular because I have this feeling that it will define the rest of my life.
There's things I know I want but am afraid to ask for, things I'm afraid I'm undeserving of, things that won't happen because of choices I've made or haven't made, things that aren't in my control and I have to be prepared for whatever happens. This is one of those things, all of those things and none of them. I wish I knew how to describe this. I feel like I have no control, but that I don't want control, but that being without control is risking everything. I feel like it's complete madness to ask for things because there's only so much that I should ask for without taking what isn't mine.

Is this making any sense? I suppose not, but that brings me to Letter #2 that I got today from a dear friend of mine, which couldn't have come at a better time. "I know everything is going to work out as it should. I'm gaining such a strong testimony that the Lord has a plan for each of us. As long as we keep trying and put our desires and trust in the Lord, all will work out."

Right. So that's the goal. Just let go of myself and put everything in the Lord's hand because I am clearly not capable of handling it all myself. Right. And now to get ready for fhe.

I feel it all

I realized something about myself tonight- I really do want world peace. One of my dearest friends called me tonight very distraught and heartbroken and while talking to her, all I wanted was for things to be right, for her to be happy and for life to be beautiful in her eyes again. As I listened to her crying, my heart just ached because as much as I could tell her that I loved her and that everything would work itself out because this life really is about happiness, I knew that it wasn't enough and there was nothing more I could do.

It was one of those humbling moments where I had a small glimpse of what it must be like to be Heavenly Father and the Saviour; they love each person with a pure and infinite love, how hard it must be to watch those they love so dearly struggle, feel heartache, be stressed, or anything to that affect. I am by no means a good comparison to the Saviour, I falter daily, but I do believe that I felt some of His love tonight and some of His heartache. And I think I understood a little more of the Atonement- Christ loves each of us so much that He took those pains and sorrows that we feel in this life upon Himself so that we would not have to feel them in the next, provided that we do our best to be like Him.

I don't know a lot about life; I don't know how things are going to turn out or when, I don't know what I'm supposed to do or how, but there is something I do know that becomes clearer to me more and more: this life is happiness, it is beautiful and though it's easy to be caught up in the sad things, there are more wonderful things to love.

Fly away to what you want to make, there's nothing stopping you :)

I found myself in Wonderland

It's been a little while, I believe I took a slight break for health. Yes, that's a satisfactory reason. Moving on.

Last night, I saw Alice in Wonderland. And it was beautiful. I have a deep love for Tim Burton; he has always been one of my favourite directors because I think he has a unique eye for life and its meaning. I went into Alice with high expectations and I was not deceived in the slightest. The acting was fantastic (I do love Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter), the cinematography was amazing, and the story of Alice and the Looking Glass has always been dear to my heart.

There are a lot of reasons that I enjoyed this story but I think what I like most is that I know Alice, I know how she felt, I know what she was escaping from and learning to live for. The story of Alice and the Looking Glass deals a lot with finding self, finding what it means to be self, and living for life. Alice's first encounter in Wonderland is rather accosting as everyone believes that she is not really herself and is the Wrong Alice. The rest of the story is Alice finding Alice, confronting with the pressures that are put on her, and making choices for Alice.

Part of me couldn't help but feel like Alice. Sometimes it seems that there are things in life that make me define who I am, force me to reconcile with the pressures in life and deal with them. The Mad Hatter refers to this as finding one's 'muchness' and I think there's a great deal of truth to that. I sometimes get lost in life, losing pieces of who I am and giving in to what others want of me. I lose my 'muchness' and have to find it again or else, I won't be able to slay the Jabberwocky when it comes.
Something else I was impressed with was the importance of friendship. Alice would not have been Alice without those around her who helped her and never left her, despite the price that came with it. The relationship between Alice and the Mad Hatter was incredibly kind- he cared so much for Alice and was willing to sacrifice everything so that she could succeed. There was genuine love and selflessness. I want to be that friend more in my life and I want to thank those who are that source in my life. I am blessed with wonderful people around me who love me and would do anything so that I can be Kristin.

I don't know how many people read these posts, but I would really recommend seeing this film. Yes, it's a bit quirky and yes, I realize that Tim Burton is not for everyone, but there's more to be had than odd costume and bizarre landscapes. There's life, love and goodness. And I hope you're looking for those things in life too.



And as a completely mostly non-related side note, I'm absolutely obsessed with a song from the movie by Avril Lavigne, which plays during the credits. I've listened to it over 70 times (I'm leaving out the exact number) and it is simply beautiful. Here's a link (second song, though the first one is a classic gem)-

http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=alice%20avril%20lavigne