truthfully

I'm having one of those moments where i don't know how to explain what i'm thinking without either (a) sounding depressed and annoying; or (b) not hurting anyone's feelings. i'm not by any means mad and there hasn't been some life-changing single event that has happened that's made me bitter towards all humanity or anything of the sort. i just had some time to think to myself about my life (why hello, Friday night, you're looking ravishing) and the last little while of my life and it's made me wonder a thing or two about a thing or two.
My college experience was unlike anything i've ever known or seen in movies. My freshman year, i was friends with a huge group of people who were my family. We did everything together. ate. sang. danced. wandered Provo at 3am. went to concerts. ate. homework. truced (past form of 'truce', as in 'making a truce'). road tripped. Hee-Haw farmed. dollar theatered. talked. Olive Gardened. vendied. laughed. loved. everything.
Then half of the group went on missions, which was hard to cope with for more reasons than one. But I had my girls. and we were each others everything because we felt like we had nothing. This part of my life took place between my sophomore and junior year, and, along with many other things, it changed me, made me grow up and made me a lot of who i am today.
Then i went to Spain. initially, i went to Spain for 2 reasons: (1) to better learn Spanish and appreciate my Spanish heritage; (2) to escape my life. i realize the latter sounds kinda odd, but it's the truth. i wanted to forget whatever problems i was having at that time and go to a foreign country with a lovely friend (dearest Jaime) and live outside of what i was accustomed to because i didn't like certain aspects of my life. i don't recommend this for everyone, and in retrospect, i should have solved my problems instead of running from them, but i did what i did, and i don't really have any regrets about it.
Spain was completely magical. and, as many of you know, it changed my life in the best possible way because i met casey there and as cheesy as this sounds, he healed me. things that i had kept bottled up for months i could tell him and he listened and loved. this is by far my favourite thing about casey. but enough about that.
I came home from Spain with one pressure in my life, which i'm going to be vague about because if you really needed to know, you already would. what i will say about this is that i regret how i handled it, not necessarily what i did, but more what i didn't do. this is the reason why i'm writing tonight- i feel like because of this moment, i had a different senior year than i had expected.
how do i explain this? remember freshman year how i had that big group of friends? i didn't have them senior year. i had a few friends who i was (and thankfully still am) close to, but i saw them on an individual basis and rarely with the group as a whole. sometimes, i don't regret this because sometimes, it was definitely a good thing. however, other times, i do regret this because i feel like it was something that should have been a part of my life, but wasn't and now, there's no way to compensate for the friendships lost. don't get me wrong, it's not like there is animosity between myself and these people (at least, as far as i know) and it's not awkward when i see any of them (far from it, thankfully), but i feel this void/lack and it makes me a little sad. there was that point where i knew i was too far out of the loop and couldn't come back because that wasn't my place or my group of friends anymore.
to contrast, i should say that i met a ton of amazing and wonderful people, friends and family alike, that i adore and love for everything they do and the time i get to spend with them. i am so grateful for this, as well as the love of my own family, and can't express enough gratitude.
now i'm married. married life is the shiz. i love my life. i love my husband. i love lots of things. like before, i don't see my friends all that often. a lot of it is because my life, as well as theirs, is incredibly busy (borderline insane) and that is the fault of no one. but that void/lack feeling still comes up every so often, like tonight, and i miss those friendships. i spent the last 4 years of my life telling these people that we'd always be close, and now, as much as i'd like to, i can't say that to a third of them.

I know this is all a little depressing and i do apologize, i don't want to be depressing because life is beautiful and full of beautiful things. i suppose this is just more of a reflection for myself. there are things i want and things i have. sometimes they don't always match up, but that does not mean that they never will. i just have to try harder, be patient and keep my chin up. i'm surrounded by good people constantly. it's all going to be just fine :)