Sometimes, friends, I have the tendency to get anxious. I get this feeling that feels like little fuzz balls are running sprints in my chest and they all really want to win first place so they keep sprinting and sprinting, but nobody ever wins the race.
Along with The Fuzz Ball 500, I also get horrible heartburn, The Super Jitters (I cannot sit still to save my life.), the urge to yell spontaneously (not actual words, more just like loud noises... which is awkward), and I tend to go into Hyper-Kristin Mode, meaning I talk faster, laugh louder, and the regular aspects of my personality act like they are on steroids. I'm also prone to mini-breakdowns, in which the smallest things can really upset me to the point of not being able to communicate. There's also lots of tears involved and it is always ugly crying.
Things that trigger my anxious moments include, but are not limited to: new jobs, new environments, meeting new people, things that scare me, certain people, certain places, phone calls, driving (not all the time, just some of the time), surprises, and when I don't know where I am or where I'm going (not in the philosophical sense, but in the literal sense, aka I AM LOST.).
This past weekend, I attended the reception of a dear friend of mine (so much happiness and love) and I was in a situation where my anxious feelings shot through my body at record proportions, so much so that I had to run to the bathroom to throw up because I was just that anxious. Obviously, this wasn't fun. Ain't nobody who likes to throw up, especially when you're at a wedding reception. No bueno.
The rest of the night passes relatively uneventful and things went so much better than I expected. Today, I had a similar experience where the second I arrived, my heartburn kicked in, the Fuzz Balls started running, and an overall sense of, "I WANT TO DIE NOW. RIGHT THIS MINUTE." kicked in full-swing. Thankfully, I kept everything in this time, but the anxiousness never quite left me until about 4 hours after leaving said event (it's kinda back right now while I'm writing about this... imma pretend it's not because I'm at work and I don't want to be known as THAT coworker).
While driving to meet up for our friend's baby's 1-year birthday party (which I didn't know was a thing people did... is that a thing? I might be ignorant...), I thought about this whole experience from last night to today and even though I don't have answers, I've determined 2 things from this that I want to share with you lovely people:
(1) Soda does not make things better. As much as I want Dr. Pepper to save me in my time of need, it realllllllyyyyy makes the heartburn BURN THROUGH MY SOUL.
(2) There are people in this world who really care about me and love me exactly for who I am. These people mean the world to me. I've been so incredibly blessed to have people who genuinely care about my well-being, who want to know what's new in my life, and who love me. After these experiences, I felt so angry with myself, that I let something get to me in such a way, and I felt sad and hurt about everything. But then I thought about it and I realized that a) pity parties are for stupid faces; and b) I was going to an event (said baby birthday party) where the people there love me, want to spend time with me, and would bend over backwards to help me. I'm lucky to have these kinds of friends in my life, I'm lucky to have their love and support, and I'm lucky to know that no matter what happens, these people will always love me.
When I start thinking about these wonderful people, my anxious Fuzz Balls start to run slower, the heartburn slowly goes away, and Normal Kristin comes back.
It's nice to be loved :)
as always, I have so much ish to write about that I haven't been writing about but I don't feel like it right now. annnnd my shift is almost over and I get to go home :)
nighty tight peeps. sweet dreams and feels about people who love you :)
