A few weeks ago, a friend of mine asked, "how do you do marriage?" It was a rather timely question because Casey and I had recently celebrated our 1 year anniversary (success!) and had been talking about how great/easy the first year has been, despite the common warning that the first year of marriage is the hardest. I had been thinking about writing about relationships for a while because it's something we talk about all the time and something we're always working at to make better. Obviously, I'm pretty much an expert now because I've been married so long so I'm going to share with you all things that I've learned thus far and, more or less, how to have a happy and successful relationship. Of course, these are basic things that work well for relationships in my life and it's quite possible that they won't work in your life, but I'd like to think they will. I think it goes without saying, too, that whatever I'm about to write doesn't just apply to marriage, but really to any relationship you're ever in ever. truth. So here goes...
1) COMMUNICATION.
COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE. COMMUNICATE.
I can't stress enough how important communication is in a relationship. I think it is really the most important thing you can do for your relationship because communication opens this HUGE doorway for anything and everything. True story: One of the most amazing reasons I married Casey was because he was the first person who I was totally honest and open with about EVERYTHING. From very early on in our friendship, I told Casey anything I felt like, things I had told nobody, things I had told everybody, EVERYTHING. And it was a reciprocated relationship- we both felt incredibly comfortable talking to each other and communicating about anything we were thinking, feeling, experiencing, upset about, happy about, etc. There has never been anything that I haven't wanted to tell Casey, even if it is things I'm not proud of or things that I don't like talking about. BE PATIENT. It takes time to communicate, to collect thoughts, to make sure that whatever you're going to say is what you want to say, or to have an open-mind and humble heart for whatever is going to be said. That is normal, healthy and great. Communication is a lot of work and sometimes it's hard work, but it is worth everything. COMMUNICATE.
2) LISTEN.
LISTENING AND COMMUNICATION ARE BEST FRIENDS.
There is absolutely no point in communicating if neither of you are listening. You might as well go talk to a wall. seriously. To be perfectly frank, I think listening is a lot harder than communication because frequently, you're more prepared to talk about something, but not as prepared to listen to someone else's something. Another reason listening is difficult is because we never know what we're going to hear and more so, if we're going to like it. It's so easy to be defensive when you don't like what you're hearing, to out-talk or out-argue the person trying to communicate with you and be back at square -20 because not listening counts as negative points. So how do you listen?
Step 1: STOP TALKING. you're physically opening your ears to listen. and the obvious, if you're not talking then hopefully someone else is.
Step 2: Turn off all distractions so that the person talking as your full, undivided attention. NO TVs, NO IPODS, NO RADIOS, NO PHONE CALLS, NO DRIVING, NO ANYTHING ELSE THAT HAS THE REMOTE CHANCE OF BEING DISTRACTING. Just YOU, the communicator, and a place to sit that is quiet and peaceful.
Step 3: Put yourself in that person's shoes and think about why they're telling you what they're telling you. If you're having a serious discussion and the person is honestly trying to tell you how they feel, chances are they are telling you something very important. Pretend you're them and listen to what you're telling yourself. If you don't understand, ask questions to yourself (respectfully) so that you do understand.
Step 4: LET THE PERSON FINISH TALKING. On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you hate it when someone interrupts you mid-sentence? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE? you shouldn't. so don't.
Step 5: Once the person is done (you can ask the person in a nice way if they are done), it is now your turn to talk. Be respectful when you answer and ask the other person to listen to you just as you have to them (*note: if you were a sucky listener, don't expect a good listener in return. YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE).
And that is how you listen. Go forth, my children, and do good listening.
3) THE UMWB (pronounced Umm-Wub)
I know exactly what you're thinking so I will explain. UMWB is something we use at work with the kids when we want them do things that they need to do, but they don't necessarily want to do them. UMWB stands for
U (you) time
Me time
We time
Break time
And it's pretty much what it sounds like. So let's go into specifics. Let's say we have two people, Sarah and John, who are friends that like spending time together. But they have trouble deciding what to do, when to do it, and who should pick what to do (these are two passive people who don't like making decisions). This is where UMWB comes into play because it is essentially a turn-taking method.
Let's pretend we're Sarah. You and John are spending time together and want to do something. You decide to let John go first because he is the U(you). This means that John will pick something that he likes to do and you do it with him. YOU CANNOT JUDGE JOHN'S CHOICE. This is his choice, NOT YOURS. Don't worry, your choice is coming. So you do John's choice and have a great time (even if you're not having the greatest of times, still be a good sport about it because this is something John likes and being a whiney wench while you're doing it will not make John like spending time with you).
Next, It's your turn- aka Me time. You get to pick what you want to do and just as you didn't judge John's choice, HE WILL NOT JUDGE YOURS. So you both do the thing that you like and it's great.
Now, it's we time- something that you both like to do together. This part is tricky because if you're not good at deciding things, then there's a problem. It's usually at this point that we apply the 3-1 approach. One of you pick 3 things and the other person picks one of them or vis-a-versa. OR you're better at deciding things and this part is easy.
Last, it's Break time, which is exactly what it sounds like. You take a break. This can mean taking a break from each other, taking a break from doing things, whatever. Basically, it's a chance to do what you like without feeling guilty. Let's face it: there are things that some people like that other people don't like and things that are better done with other people than with your significant other or friend. For example, I'm addicted to trashy television. For some reason, Casey isn't. So, when I do watch trashy tv, I try to do it when Casey isn't around or with people who also appreciate the trashiness that is Jersey Shore. So take your break and reconvene at a later date.
And that's it. easy. simple. great. We use UMWB for everything: to decide what to do, to decide what movie to watch, to decide what to eat, to decide where to go, everything. It's boundaries are limitless and it's great.
4) COMPROMISE
I feel like this one goes without saying, but I'm saying it anyways: if you're unwilling to be flexible, to compromise, to sacrifice some things for the greater good, good luck finding someone because pretty much anyone deserves something better than you. All relationships are give a little and take a little, win some and lose some, whatever you want to call it, it's going to happen. I think most of the time, compromises come with the little things and they're much easier than the bigger things. If you strongly disagree with something being said, see numbers 1 and 2, and go from there. THE MOST IMPORTANT PART ABOUT COMPROMISING IS TO STICK TO YOUR END OF THE BARGAIN. You're all smart enough to see that the word, "promise" is part of compromise. You're co-promising to do something if the other person co-promises to do something for you. Going back on your promise ensures that the other person won't hold up their's and if they do, that they are not going to want to compromise with you again because you're not someone to be trusted. Sure, they might give you a second chance so you can redeem yourself, but if you keep sucking, don't expect this to keep happening. just fyi.
5) RESPECT
Annnnd last, respect. None of these steps mean anything or will work without respect. If you don't respect the person you're working with in the relationship, there is absolutely no reason for them to respect you. If you use fear to gain their respect, you're not gaining their respect- you're gaining fear, distrust and resentment. If you're using intimidation, you're going to get the same results. Respect is the only way that anything you try in your relationship will work. Aretha Franklin had it right. If you don't know what I'm talking about, google it. With mutual respect, you'll be amazed at how much your relationship can change and grow.
And that's everything. well, not everything, but everything for right now. I hope that this all helps and like all blog posts, they're selfish and meant more for the writer than the reader, but regardless, I hope this helps. I'd love to hear tips/things you do in relationships that help you and I'd love to know any advice you can give me.
Happy Sabbath to you all and happy relationship-ing!
